


Moonshine

by MauveSparkle



Series: Moons and Stars [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Coming of Age, F/M, Female Remus Lupin, Friendship, Genderbending, Genderswap, Romance, Sad and Happy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-26
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:40:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21977479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MauveSparkle/pseuds/MauveSparkle
Summary: The story of Remus Lupin as she navigates life at school and beyond as a female werewolf, makes the most brilliant friends and falls for a certain leather jacket wearing, grey-eyed boy.
Relationships: Sirius Black & Remus Lupin, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: Moons and Stars [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1615636
Comments: 6
Kudos: 60





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hi. This is a different take on the relationship between Remus Lupin and Sirius Black. This is part one of a four part series. 
> 
> Part 1: Female Remus and Male Sirius
> 
> Part 2: Female Sirius and Male Remus
> 
> Part 3: Female Remus and Female Sirius 
> 
> Part 4: Male Remus and Male Sirius
> 
> Ambitious but I hope I get it done.

Remus Lupin had a very normal life once you looked past the fact that she was a witch with a boy’s name and turned into a mindless bloodthirsty beast on a full moon night. She had two loving parents and was headed to the best wizarding school in the world. She just hoped that her teeny tiny problem of being a werewolf wouldn’t become a problem while making friends. She was practical and would go for the most obvious solution. Not tell anyone that she turns into the previously mentioned mindless bloodthirsty beast every full moon.

So, as she stood on Platform 9 and 3 quarters, she hugged her parents as hard as she could. It would be hard without their constant presence as she would have to deal with her other monthly problem alone. She was lucky though as it was because of Professor Dumbledore’s kindness and understanding that she was able to attend Hogwarts.

As Remus stared at the steaming scarlet train, little did she know that she would have some of the greatest adventures of her life with three boys seated in that very train. She just hoped she would get into her father’s house, the house of the lions, Gryffindor.


	2. Year One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The beginnings of a great friendship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi. Hope you like this new chapter. The first few years up till the fourth will be somewhat similar to this one in writing style. The later years at Hogwarts and post-Hogwarts will be longer and with much more detail.
> 
> Just to clarify, this book is somewhat canon-compliant. Like quite a few details have been changed but let’s just say whoever was dead at the end is deathly hallows will be dead at the end of this book. Details regarding road death can change. They may or may not. You’ll have to read to know.

The Hogwarts Express was a long train with many compartments. Remus knew that finding the right compartment with the right people would hold a lot of importance in who became her friends at school. Her father had told her as much.

She came across this compartment with a single person in it, a plump brown haired scared looking boy. After asking the boy, she sat down with him. An awkward silence of a few minutes prompted her to speak up. “Hi! My name is Remus. You are? “. The boy stuttered back his name, “Peter Pettigrew”.

Just as they were about to shake hands, the cabin door opened loudly and suddenly as two boys fell through. The one with spectacles looked around and exclaimed, “Thank god that greasy haired git isn’t here.” The other boy just stared at me. He was looking at the scars on my hands and neck. Finally, he cleared his throat and asked, “Do you two like to prank people?”. The rest was history.

The first few months at Hogwarts had been the best of her short life.

Remus had made three great friends. James Potter, Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew were pranksters at heart. The four soon become known as the terrors of Gryffindor. With them, Remus let out her mischievous side.

A few dung bombs in the right places (Filch’s office), randomly coloured rainbow hair for a bunch of slithering and other innumerable small pranks later, their friendship as a group of four was set in stone. It was as if they had known each other their entire lives. They all had told each other important secrets. Remus has a good understand of who her friends were.

James would go on and on about his crush on the red headed beauty that was Lily Evans and how Severus Snape was a slimy hit who deserved to be called Slytherin. His infatuation soon became a pain as he would compose awful poems about Lily’s hair, her smile, and her emerald like eyes and at one point her books even. James was clearly desperate on the outside. At heart, we saw him to be a kind but flawed individual who had his mean streaks but made up to it with his inherent goodness.

Peter was a shy, nervous, anxious yet happy-go-lucky boy. He wasn’t the brightest but made up for that with his loyalty and will to help at all times. They often called him a badger in a lion’s form.  
Sirius was still somewhat of a mystery. He hid behind his cool boy exterior. He acted as if he had no problems but his eyes said differently. He had an awful life at home. His parents were pure blood supremacists who sent a howler to him when he got sorted into Gryffindor. He was the first Black ever to do so, a fact he was very proud of. In his grey eyes, Remus saw a sadness and lots of pain. It was a feeling she recognised well. After all, she saw it every time she looked in the mirror.

She cared for and trusted her friends but did not tell them her secret about being a mindless bloodthirsty beast every full moon. She feared their friendship had limits, limits that would be exceeded if she told them that she was a monster. So every full moon, she told those lies about her parents and other relatives and ran out of the common room before they started questioning her. She knew that they know she was lying. It became a serious chore to deflect their never ending questions.

In between pranks and classes, time went by quickly. Their first Christmas as friends was spent at school. It was on Christmas that they performed a prank that Remus was the mastermind behind. The remaining students and teachers watched in wonder at first as the decorations of the Christmas tree started bouncing around at supper. Then they looked around in shock as they burst into sparkles and everyone was covered in glitter. Professor McGonagall gave them detention for two weeks as Professor Dumbledore’s eyes glinted with amusement. It may have been the glitter.  
Before they knew it, Easter had arrived. Random chickens started appearing to lay coloured eggs all over the castle as the newly minted Marauders. Remus came up with the name. “To maraud is to roam or go around in quest of plunder. We should be the Marauders,” stated Remus as the boys nodded their head and wildly jumped around in happiness. Remus just stared at their immaturity and decided that a female friend was essential if she wanted to survive the seven years of Hogwarts. Only friends who were boys was bound to be trouble. The girls she shared a dorm with were nice enough but they didn’t have enough in common. Only Lily Evans seemed to be willing to become friends with Remus as the other girls were confused by her three male friends or were afraid of the Marauders.  
Lily Evans was a spitfire. One thing she told everyone proudly was that she thought James Potter was an ‘arrogant toe rag’. James, in a misguided effort to display his crush, continuously teased her and was mean to Snape because he was jealous. Sirius often assisted as the two had a strong disliking for ‘Snivellus’ due to their first meeting on the Hogwarts train. Lily didn’t understand Remus’ friendship with the boys while Remus didn’t like her friendship with Snape. This made them work together perfectly as they became each other’s only close female friends.

First year was great as they learnt all sorts of spell in DADA, Charms and Transfiguration. They fought near battles with some plants in the greenhouses. Filch put them at the top of his list within the first year. The Marauders were infamous at Hogwarts.

The year came to an end as the students piled into Hogwarts express. Only the journey to King’s Cross station, Remus promised to write letters to her new friends and to meet over the summer. Remus hugged her three best friends as the Marauders parted for the summer. Unbeknownst to her, the three boys would exchange secret letters over the summer as they decide to figure out where Remus would disappear to every month.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please do comment what you think of this story and what could be worked on.


	3. Year Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The journey continues as Remus enters her second year. Will she be able to keep her other monthly problem a secret?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like it. I’ll try and put up the next one in the next three days.

Summer had been boring. It had been nice to be with her parents again but Remus missed the thrill of Hogwarts. The letters she received from James, Sirius and Peter mostly talked about ideas for pranks. They had been unable to meet up as Sirius' mother had not wanted her son to associate with blood traitors and half-bloods. Lily had mostly discussed homework and other general things.

Everyday Remus desperately waited for her school letter. She could not wait to go back. While it had been hard to transform in the shrieking shack and not have anyone to talk to about it, the fact that the villagers of Hogwarts believed the Shack to be haunted was amusing to Remus and somewhat made up for the excruciating pain.

Finally, the letter came followed by a trip to Diagon Alley. Remus met up with Peter there but noticed that he was behaving weirdly. She didn’t think much of it later since Peter had always been on the weirder side.

September 1st arrived and Remus stood of Platform nine and three quarters at King’s Cross Station waiting for her friends. She saw James first as he rushed from behind to hug her. “Sirius will talk to us on the train. His parents would be angry to see him with us,” he whispered. After being introduced to each other’s parents, they rushed on board.

After meeting up with Sirius and Peter, the four sat in the same compartment as the previous year. “We should mark this compartment as our own,” exclaimed Sirius. “Like dogs mark their territory?” asked Remus as she saw Sirius take out a small knife. On the bottom of the seat, he carved JP, RL, SB and PP.

The long journey came to an end as the train shuffled into Hogsmeade. The first few weeks back were a flurry of submitting homework, getting used to the new schedule and catching up with friends. The full moon came too soon for Remus’s liking. She excused herself by claiming her Aunt Poppy to be ill. It was a horrible transformation. When Remus looked at herself in the mirror the next day, she saw a new scar running down her neck till her forearms. She could not think of any excuse as she walked back to her Common Room. It was midday and she expected the room to be empty. Alas! That was not to be. It seemed that her friends were sitting there waiting for her. “Wasn’t it Aunt Poppy who died last December? How odd! Did she come back to life and become sick again?” James wondered aloud. “God truly is cruel!” declared Peter. Sirius looked at Remus softly as he said,” We know the truth Remus, we know you’re a werewolf." Remus burst into tears. She was so sure she was about to lose her friends. So, it shocked her when the boys came up to her and hugged her hard. When questioned as to why she was crying, she stated," Why would you want to be friends with a boyish girl who turns into a mindless bloodthirsty beast every full moon."

“Something that isn’t your fault does not impact the person you are,” asserted Sirius as he looked at her in a way that made her feel fuzzy inside. A feeling very different from James and Peter. “But I’m a monster,” howled Remus.

"Yes Remus, you're a monster. A monster who folds her socks" proclaimed James.

Hearing that, she burst into tears again but these tears were different. They were happy ones. She felt unconditional love. A love she had only ever expected to receive from her parents. For the first time in her life, Remus did not think of her curse as a limitation.

The year went by. Her transformations were still hard. The next day, she always stared at the mirror and hated the way she looked. A girl with so many saves that no one would ever consider her to be beautiful. Remus had never been vain but that side came out at the worst of times and left her feeling low. The boys were great support but Sirius was the best. He would wait for her by the fire after every full moon. He would make her laugh when she felt awful. He brought her food when she was too tired to move.

Remus was a good student. She consistently got great marks and was the top of her class in DADA, Charms and Herbology. Lily stood with Snape at the top of the class in Potions. James and Sirius were very smart but they applied themselves the best in the mischevious arts. Peter struggled with studies and needed constant help. James and Sirius were well on the way to get the most detentions they could in 7 years of education. They intend to make a record. Remus and Peter accompanied them on some occasions.

As the end of the second year approached, the Marauders soon realised that they had only done small pranks in large amounts that year. It was decided that in their third year, they would have the most epic prank and got down to working on it. Only one thing was certain, nifflers were involved.

With the blink of an eye, the year came to an end. On the day after the last full moon of that school year, Remus came across Sirius sitting alone as she was limping to the Common room. He looked upset. He saw her walking towards him and started,” This summer will be worse than the last one. Regulus turned out to be the perfect son. A Slytherin who hates the ‘impure’ half-bloods and muggle-borns." Not knowing what to say, she slid her arms around him as he started shaking with restrained sobs. She liked how he did not ask her about her scars or look at them weirdly. "It's so stupid. You have a much tougher problem and a harder time. I shouldn't be upset. It could be worse," Sirius spoke with a muffled voice. Looking at him in the eye," Everyone has the right to be happy and to cry if they are not." With a small laugh, Sirius replied," You're too smart for a 13-year-old. I've been wondering for some time, what it feels like to transform?" It feels like every bone in my body is broken and then joined again. It feels like hundreds of needles poking at my skin but still, the physical pain isn't the worst. The worst part is not knowing who I am," Remus said in a low breaking voice. Sirius did not know how to reply and so he just held onto her as she held onto him for as long as possible.

As the students filled up the Hogwarts Express did the journey to London, Remus looked around. Beside her, James was engaged in banter with Sirius while Peter jumped around in amusement. They had become so important to her.

They stood by her side even though she was a monster. James was so kind and loyal. He loved his friends. It was clear from the way he helped Sirius with his family problems, the way he helped Peter with his work and most of all, how he called Remus's monthly transformations her 'furry little problem'. Many people thought she had a badly behaved dog. Sirius was Sirius. He provided comfort that no one else ever could and she hoped that she had been of help too. Peter was clueless in an endearing way. He could not keep secrets well but had been so tight-lipped with Remus's secrets. There was no doubt that she loved them.

She could see Lily talking to Snape. She did not call him by the nickname James gave him out of respect for Lily. She was happy for Lily as she knows the boy was important to her and how upset she had been with his distant behaviour and appalling friends. The world outside of school where they weren't protected by Albus Dumbledore was becoming unpredictable. Some rumours had reached Hogwarts through many Slytherins about a man who claimed to support a pure wizarding race. It was a frightening notion and one she hoped never came to pass.

While she was immersed in these thoughts, she didn’t notice that the other Marauders had changed their topic of discussion. Over the summer they intended to come up with a plan to help her have easier transformations. “We have to help her. We have to lessen her pain,” stated Sirius as he looked at her. It would be an interesting summer.


	4. Year Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the rise of a dark wizard overshadowing her summer, Remus enters her third year. New feelings are discovered as secrets are revealed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like it!!! This is the last of the short chapters. The next ones will be much longer and in more detail.

The summer before the third year was the worst ever for Remus. Little did Remus know, it would be the best one in comparison to the others to come. The dark wizard called Voldemort was on the rise as the number of small attacks on muggles by unknown wizards credited to his name increased. Soon, targets shifted to include muggle-borns as well. The wizarding world feared the rise of another Grindelwald. Remus feared for her parents. Hope Lupin was a muggle while Lyall was a known ‘muggle lover’. She worried that her family would become a target of the supremacists. To distract her self from the worsening situation, Remus immersed herself in studies in the attempt to learn everything before the school year even began.

Not soon enough for Remus, the first of September 1973 arrived. Remus reaches King’s Cross Station to leave for her third year. For the first time in the past few months, the sense of dread in her heart decreased as she caught up with her friends. She had kept in contact with the boys through almost daily letters. She did not know that the boys had been exchanging secret letters once again. This time, the letters were about ways to help Remus with her condition. They had not yet found a feasible solution to spend the full moon with the ‘wolf Remus’.

The New Year at Hogwarts was different from the others. After all, they were teenagers now. Boys and Girls had started looking at each other differently. It was evident from the fact that Sirius had started going out with girls and snogging them at the ripe old age of 14. James had openly declared his love for a red-haired, green-eyed beauty who had grown even more beautiful over the summer as her curves had filled up. He called her 'Lily-flower' and 'Evans' while she replied by calling him an 'arrogant toe rag'. Peter was still awkward. 

Remus would stare at herself in the mirror and saw nothing beautiful. She only saw scars, scars that she hated because she knew it was the first thing people noticed about her. Her name, the way she dressed and her friends made her feel boy-ish in comparison to the other girls. A part of Remus wanted to be appreciated the way boys looked at other prettier girls. It was a demeaning thought but one ingrained in the head of the young teenager.

It was in that year that the Marauders established Birthday traditions. For Sirius, on November 3rd, they did what was the biggest prank ever by the Marauders. Using James’s family invisibility cloak given to him during the summer, they finally going out where the kitchen was. The next day, while Slytherin had their breakfast, they noticed that they were turning red. Within an hour, golden stripes appeared too. There was no proof though that the Marauders were behind it but still, Slytherin students sent stink eyes and hexes their way for over a month after the prank.

The third-year was very eventful as James joins the Gryffindor Quidditch team as a chaser. He soon became obsessed with Quidditch palms and all that. The most important incident took place in the class of their DADA teacher of the year as they faced boggarts. Sirius saw his friends die while James's boggart was Lily insulting him and never going out with him. Remus knew her boggart would be the full moon and so a silver orb appeared in front of her but it was Peter who shocked them the most. His biggest fear was a drunk man screaming at him and calling him all sorts of names. Peter burst into tears and ran out of the class. As the Marauders chased after him and consoled him, they found out that that was his father. Peter's father was abusive. He had no job and drank all the time. Peter's mother looked after the house and earned the money to run the house. They felt ashamed that they had not known about Peter's home life. That day, the four bonded on a level much higher than any before.   
It was also the first time they ever went into the village of Hogsmeade. Over the past few years, the Shrieking Shack which was connected to Hogwarts through a passage by the whomping willow had become notorious for being haunted. Little did they know, the screams were from Remus, a fact that amused her greatly. They had gone crazy buying stuff at Zonko’s and Honeydukes. The fit time they ever had butter eat was a unique experience as a girl whom Sirius had snogged last week walked into the Three Broomsticks looking murderous and proceeded to pour a glass of butter eat on Sirius's hair. Apparently, he had promised to take her on a date through Hogsmeade but had forgotten about it. It took him days to wash out the butterbeer from his precious hair.

Every evening Remus would study in the Library with Lily. The boys used this time to figure out how to help ease her transformations. The solution came to them during a transfiguration lesson. They could not help Remus as humans but through research, they discovered that werewolves did not harm animals. They would become animagus. It was process regulated by the ministry due to its many dangers. They snuck out books from the restricted section of the library to figure out how to become animagus. Remus was the smart one but they could not take help from her as they know she would go out of her way to stop them. They had a long road ahead and it involved breaking quite a few laws.

In a flurry of pranks, studies, new romances, breakups and so much more, the year came to an end. On the journey to King’s Cross, Sirius revealed his worries for the summer. His cousin Bellatrix has shown admiration for Voldemort the previous summer and he feared that she had become an official supporter. He worried about her influence on Regulus and his parents. He expected that summer to be worse as news had reached of his Cousin Andromeda’s marriage to a muggle-born and eventual disownment. He knew his family would be less tolerant of his rebellious nature to preserve the family image.

Remus was the first to leave as soon as she arrived as her parents whisked her away. As a result, she missed the conversation between the boys about how they would figure out a plan to become animagus over the summer.


	5. Year Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New feelings and hard losses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like this! This is much longer than the previous chapters.

She noticed that things were weird when her parents promptly whisked her away from the station at the end of the third year. Her father looked lost. He had bags under his eyes. Her mother looked pale. She seemed to have lost quite a bit of weight. Usually, they joked around on the journey home. When they reached home, she expected to walk into a warm house smelling like pies and brownies. Instead, it looked like no one had lived there for some time. She had questions. Those questions had an answer she did not want.

Hope Lupin was sick. Remus had been so worried about her parents being killed by terrorists that she hadn’t even thought that her mother’s body would fail. She had cancer. It was a relatively new disease in those days. Wizards did not have such diseases while muggles were still working on the cure. The tumour had been caught right after Easter. Her mother had pains in her abdomen. Her colon turned out to be the cause. It had spread too much to have any feasible cure. They could only prolong her life by a little and let her pass away with no pain. At first, Remus was angry. She was angry at God for taking away her mother, angry at her parents for not telling her sooner and angry at herself for not being a better daughter. As Remus saw her mother either away, she also saw her father lose the light in his eyes. To drown her sorrows, she turned to chocolate. It became an addiction of sorts. The sweetness of it gave her relief. It made her feel better. 

That summer, she ignored the many letters she got from James, Peter and Lily. Sirius sent none. Even if she would not have replied, it stung. She couldn't help but wonder why. The longer she thought, the more her rational side prevailed. She worried that he had major problems at his home with his family and the rise of the Death Eaters. That was what his followers called themselves. Voldemort was Gerard so much by then that people feared even his name. He-who-must-not-be-named and you-know-who became common phrases in place of his actual name in publications and conversations. The world was getting darker.

As the summer came to an end, Remus became more withdrawn. Her father ended up buying her stuff from Diagon Alley as Remus wanted to spend every waking moment with her mother. Her mother was too frail to go out of the house as cancer ate her up within a few months. The doctors (muggle healers) did not expect her to live till beyond November. Remus was facing her first Christmas without her mother. Her fifteenth birthday would be the first of many birthdays where the woman who gave birth to her would not be a physical presence.

It was the night before she left for school. She sat by her mother and held her hand. “I’ve lived a good life. I would have loved for it to have been longer but I am grateful for what I had. I’ve seen so many miracles. Magic was a miracle for me. Your father brought this strange happiness into my life that made magic a normal thing for me. He gave me you and he gave me his heart. He will not be alright for some time. Even you will be lost. But make sure it is just for some time. I do not want you to lose yourself permanently. You have a long life ahead. You will be so happy. A family of your own and someone to love you and cherish you. You are so smart that you will make something great of yourself. Don’t let your lycanthropy become a hurdle. Don’t let it defeat you. I worry for you Moonshine,” spoke Hope in a weak voice as if she was just about to burst into tears. Remus wanted to tell her that no one would ever love a werewolf the way Lyall loved Hope. She wanted to scream that the W on her application to any job would stop her from rising to her full potential. Yet she said no such thing. To keep her mother’s heart she agreed.

Her mother kissed her hands and forehead as Remus said goodbye to her. While her father drove her to the station, Remus kept touching her forehead as she ingrained into her brain what she believed to be the last physical contact with her mother. She did not cry. She had cried a lot over the summer and was fresh out of tears. On the platform, she hugged her father longer than ever before. They cling to each other as if they were each other's lifeboat in the deep seas. Remus whispered into her father's ears," Tell her I love her and that she is the best. I love you too." Lyall nodded as he released her. Remus sprinted for the train. She did not look back at her father or look around for the friends she had ignored throughout the summer. She settled into a compartment and stared gorging on a large bat of chocolate to make herself feel better.

*****

The train had been on the way for over an hour before the rest of the Marauders found her. They seemed worried. "You didn't reply to any of our letters. You didn't even come and sit with us. Did we do something wrong?" asked James. Remus just looked out of the indie and continued to at chocolate. Peter askers her the same question. She ignored him as well. Sirius had never been a patient boy. He was quick to anger and angry he was. So he screamed," Don't want to talk to us, fine. If you have no regard for our friendship just say it.” When he received no reply, he huffed and stomped out of the compartment. Peter followed him. James stayed. He saw that Remus was barely holding herself together. When Sirius was upset, he would get angry and irrational. Peter would joke but Remus would sit still and go silent. Sirius was at his patience’s end after a long summer with awful people while Peter never understood a person’s feelings. He was a perceptive boy. Without any preamble, he wrapped his arms around Remus. Remus thought that her eyes were cried out but was proven wrong as she burst into large tears. “She’s dying. I may never see her again. I don’t know what I wail do without her. Dad seems worse,” she cried and continued to ramble on. Lily, who was walking by, saw her crying and holding onto James for dear life. She rushed in and hugged her over James. James, the lovelorn boy, almost fainted. The two consoled her with a conversation that was the longest they ever had without James asking her out or Lily insulting him. As James was leaving to tell Sirius and Peter the reason for Remus’s behaviour, he turned to ask Lily out. Lily sent a Bat-Bogey Hex his way as Remus laughed. It was her first real laugh in three months.

*****

Sirius and Peter apologised to her over the next few days. She obliged. Remus was a forgiving person. She could not say no to the many chocolates Peter gave her or to Sirius and his puppy-dog eyes. To make her feel better, her friends indulged her new favourite craving, chocolates. It had become an important companion, so important that she always had some on her. Hogsmeade trips became chocolate supply replenishing trips.  
Remus had always been a skinny girl who kept her dark blonde her till her shoulders. Over the summer she did or cut her hair as it grew out. The excessive amounts of chocolate had somehow helped her grow into her curves. To Remus, she looked like a girl. Maybe not a pretty one but a girl nonetheless.  
As she worked hard in the Library or was studying in the common room, she did not notice how a red-haired boy’s gaze lingered on her. It was during the first Hogsmeade trip of that said not approached her. Gideon Prewett was tall and rather handsome. He needed her help as she was well known to be good in herbology. He was a year ahead and needed help for his OWLs. Remus obliged. Over only a few weeks they became rather good friends as they studied together and talked about pranks. Remus noticed how Sirius was becoming distant. He was often running around with other girls and too busy with then to spend time with his friends. She did not realise that he was jealous.  
Remus wrote home regularly. She saved each of her mother's letters as if they could be the last ones ever. She was coming back to normal and could almost pretend as if both her parents were fine. Alas! This illusion she had made did not last long as on a Thursday morning she was called out of class to go to the headmaster's office. It was on November 3rd. Her mother had passed away in her sleep. It was painless. There was a full moon that night. It was the worst one bet as the wolf scratched at herself. She had deep wounds all across her arms and legs. One ran across her face. It would permanently disfigure her skin. When Dumbledore asked which friend she would like for to accompany her to the funeral, she picked Sirius. He was the best at consoling her and the least awkward around her. It was a small and short service. Hope had been an only child and her parents had passed away many years ago. Remus and Sirius were to stay the night at her home.  
It was the first time Sirius had ever visited the Lupin cottage. He sat on Remus’s bed and hugged her. She was not crying but she craved the physical contact. She turned to Sirius and saw him looking at her deeply. Their lips were only a few inches apart. She could feel his breath on her nose. If she just turned her face a little up, their lips would connect. On an impulse, she captured his lips with her own. It was her first kiss. Sirius seemed surprised at first and did not react before he deepened the kiss. His hands moved to her waist as hers moved to his shoulders. His tongue moved to enter and she let him. As the kiss got hotter, she heard herself moan. She heard a sound from Sirius that sounded like her name. She felt herself fall on her back as Sirius rested on top of her. He was kissing across her jaw down to her neck when they heard a loud bang. They broke apart as they searched for the source. It was Lyall working around the kitchen attempting to make dinner to distract himself. Remus and Sirius were flushed. They were looking away anywhere but each other. Sirius started,” That was .......” Remus feared his answer. Not wanting to seem as if she was the only one with romantic feelings she continued, “a mistake. We just got caught up. I was feeling upset and you helped me feel better. We can just forget about it and pretend it never happened.” Saying this, she moved out of the room to help her father. If she had stayed, she would have noticed how Sirius’s face fell.

*****

On returning to school, Remus was hell-bent on proving that everything was alright. She was fine. She was not drowning in sorrow because of her mother's untimely death. She was not worried about her heartbroken father. She most definitely was not spending every night in bed dreaming about kissing Sirius. She had only platonic feelings for her best friend. She was living in denial.

Sirius was also not thinking about the ‘rejection’. He told no one, not even James, about the kiss. He buried himself in snogging other girls and research. Through a lot of intensive research, the boys finally found out how to become animagus. They could not choose the animal they could change into. It was an internal choice that depended on their very soul. It was a long process that involved mandrake leaves and a very complicated potion. They stole the leaves from Greenhouse 5 using the invisibility cloak. As for the potion, it was to be brewed for over two months. Even the ingredients required would take time to source. They needed help and the only person who could help was Remus. 

When they revealed their plan to Remus, she screamed at them. She refused to help them as she was worried they were endangering their life for no good reason. The boys’ stubbornness won through. Remus was defeated. It was during a session of brewing that Peter decided to give Remus a nickname. Peter exclaimed,” From now on, you shall be Moony.”

*****

School and classes continued as normal. Snape was at the top in Potions while Lily and Remus topped the others. The rivalry between James and Snape got more intense as Snape became invested in figuring out where Remus went to every month. This inquisitiveness was a result of the visible scars on Remus. The situation got so bad that James sent a terrible hex Snape’s way in front of many students and humiliated him. While Lily and Snape’s friendship was not as close as before, she rose to defend her friend. She was so angry that she screamed at Remus. She questioned her friendship with the Marauders. It hit Remus so hard that she screamed back at Lily, “What James did was wrong but he did so to defend himself. If he had not done so, Snape would have hexed him. How dare you say that James is bad when Snape is a death eater in waiting. He hangs out with Muliciber and Avery. He calls every other person of your both that awful name. James isn’t perfect but Snape is far from a saint." The fight was loud and bad. Everyone in Gryffindor tower heard it. In the end, Lily moved out of that dormitory to the other one for girls in their year and Marlene McKinnon moved in. It seemed to be the end of the friendship between Lily and Remus. The only person happy about this change was Snape.

*****

In the wake of her fight with Lily, Remus felt a lack of female company. In the library, she worked with Gideon. When Gideon wasn’t there she sat alone. It was one such day of sitting a line that Remus bonded with Dorcas Meadowes, a Ravenclaw in her year. Dorcas was witty and had a dry sort of humour. She was different from Lily but a change that Remus welcomed. She liked that frankness in her life.  
She was working in the library one day with Gideon when she heard him clear his throat. He was looking at her. “So, I was wondering if you would go on a date with me to Hogsmeade next weekend?” he asked in a small voice. Sirius flashed through her brain and without a second thought, Remus agreed. Gideon gave an endearing smile and kissed her on the cheek before he left. Remus liked it.

*****

“Let’s work on the animagus thing instead of going to Hogsmeade. The castle will be empty and no one would trouble us,” asked James. Remus smiled replied, "Sorry boys. I have a date.” “With who” inquired Peter. On hearing her reply, Sirius snarled,” Why would you go out with him? He has awful hair.” “Maybe I like his awful hair. “

“ He won’t be any good to you.”

“ Who’ll be better? Snape?" They fought and said terrible things to each other. James and Peter watched the exchange with shrewd eyes. It was obvious that Sirius was jealous.

After Remus had stomped away in anger, James confronted Sirius. Sirius vehemently denied any feelings and stalked away. That was the day James and Peter made a bet about the other two Marauders.

*****

Remus and Gideon’s date had been a success. He had kissed her and Remus had like it quite a lot. Soon enough, they were officially dating. Sirius hated it.

*****

By the time their fourth year ended, things between Remus and Lily were the same. They were not friends. She and Gideon were slowly getting the hang of being a couple. The potion for animagus had been brewed. Next year, they would attempt the transformation. Things between Sirius and Remus were awkward at best. As Remus walked around on the platform at King’s Cross Station, she wondered what thing would be like at home now that her mother was gone. She had not gone home over Christmas and Easter. As Sirius looked at her from afar, her eyes looked beautiful while her hair gleamed in the sun. He came to an earth-shattering realisation. Unbeknownst to Remus, letters would be exchanged over the summer between the boys about these feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is more about Remus and Sirius and so if their isn’t enough focus on anyone else, it’s for that reason. I do not mention conversations in classes as I believe Remus to be a serious student. 
> 
> The dialogue and body may seem clunky at times but I hope to improve it as I continue writing.


	6. Year Five (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Animagus. A word that freaked the hell out of Remus. Why did God have to give her such irresponsible friends with no self preservation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like it!  
> The Sirius in this story may seem a little different and not as into girls but this is from the perspective of Remus. She likes him and chooses to see what she wants. She'll mature as the story continues.

An important school year was coming up. The OWLs has arrived. For the past few years, Remus had lived in a bubble. When Dumbledore has been kind enough to allow her admission at Hogwarts, she had been so excited. It had seemed as if her being a werewolf wasn't a big problem. The way her three best friends had accepted her condition, she had more hope that others would react the same way. She never followed up on that though in fear. In truth, she had been ignoring her condition. No one questioned her about where she disappeared to. Her friends knew the truth. Before the fifth year even began, she couldn't help but wonder what even was the point of her studying and getting good marks. It's not like she would get any job. The stamp of 'W' on her job application would ensure that. Her pessimism and an innate belief that she was a monster had taken a stronger hold over the summer.  
Her father kept himself busy as Remus drowned in her sorrow. The ghost of her mother was one the two ignored. Ignorance truly was bliss.  
The only relief she had from her isolated summer was an invitation to spend the week at Potter house. Remus had only exchanged small greeting with her friends’ parents over the years (not the Blacks though). She was supposed to stay with the Potters for the last week of her holidays.   
The night before, Remus came down for food but walked in on her father crying. It was the first time she had seen him cry. He had been maintaining a strong front by talking less and working hard. She rushed to hug him. "Your mother was so proud of you. You never let your transformations dull your spirit. You have never let being a werewolf define you even when others use it against you. I remover the first time you turned. It was at the hospital. God, it hurt seeing my four-year-old daughter go through so much pain. I couldn't help but blame myself. The truth is, it was my fault. I had been openly anti-werewolf at the Ministry." Remus didn’t know what to think. “The wrong person overheard one of my rants against lycanthropy. His name was Fenrir Greyback. He’s a vicious man known to target children. For revenge, he targeted my child. Just before he transforms, he places himself near the person he wants to bite. I heard you scream that night and rushed to your room. It was too late. Your bed was filled with blood and the window left open. It’s a sight I’ve put to the back of my head.” He was crying and she was crying. Remus did not sleep well that night. She had mostly blocked out memories of that night. She did not like to think of the way he had crept up above her. She had not known who he was. It was weird to have a name for a man she had hated, intensely hated for as long as she could remember. She had last dreamt of that incident the day she had turned 11 and been allowed to go to Hogwarts. In the past four years, for the three that her friends had known about her infliction, they had never asked for the cause. It was an oddly empathetic act on behalf of the boys.  
Remus did not like to think about the boys as well. She worried about Sirius being stuck with his family. She worried about Peter and his father. She worried about James and his obsession with Lily. (It wasn’t healthy.) Most of all, she worried about their plan to become animagus. James had inherited his father's skill at Potions. He had been working on it in secret over the summer. The plan was fast becoming a reality. There was a reason why the Ministry kept such a tight hold on animagi, the transformations could go wrong. When she imagined her friends becoming animagus, all she could think of was them being stuck between forms. She just couldn't get the image of a monkey with Sirius' face out of her head.

*****

Gideon and Remus had exchanged many letters over the summer. In the time they had spent together at school, Gideon had figured out that Remus was not as innocent as she seemed. She was often the mastermind behind the plans of the Marauders. He indirectly figured out that the Christmas prank had been er brainchild. They even met up a few times. Gideon lived in a small village an hour away from the Lupin cottage. It had been funny to watch her father and his overprotective instincts. Lyall Lupin did not like the fact that his fifteen-year-old daughter had a sixteen-year-old boyfriend. His speech about the instincts of teenage boys and had almost brought Remus to tears of mortification. She missed her mother in times like this. She knew her father did too.  
Their few dates always ended with a lot of snogging. His lips on her felt like fire. At least, that was what her mind said. Her heart knew that the fire was less than the one from her first kiss ever with a certain grey-eyed boy. But, that did not matter because Remus had real feelings for Gideon. He was smart, funny and had a mischevious streak. He had a fluffy side which came out when he talked about his nephews. She liked his soft red hair a lot. She liked the way he smiled showing all his teeth. Most of all, she liked the way he looked at her as if she hung the moon. It brought her temporary relief from her belief that she was not worth it, that she was a monster.

*****

Fleamont and Euphemia Potter lived with their son in a large cottage on the outskirts of London. They were rich from the hair potion Fleamont had made yet lived a down-to-earth life. They were much older than other parents of their year. James was their miracle child. Maybe that was why he thought he was God’s gift to Earth.   
Peter was already there. When they were finally alone after joking around with James’ parents for some time, James told them about Sirius and his situation. He had tried to floo over to the Potter House but had been caught by his parents. He had secretly sent the letter despite being punished and told to break contact with his friends. He was the elder son and heir to the Black family. He was expected to behave in a certain manner, a manner his younger brother displayed. According to James, his parents thought him expendable due to their perfect younger son.  
A visit to Diagon Alley, James' attempts to teach Remus and Peter quidditch, worries over the upcoming OWLs, worry about Sirius and the not-approved-by-Remus animagus plan were the highlights of her stay with the Potters.

***** 

The Marauders became complete on the 1st of September when Sirius joined them in the compartment. He had a bruise on his forehead and bags under his eyes. He refused to let them heal his bruises or go to the infirmary. He distracted them from his bloody appearance by setting the final date for the attempt to transform. They had the mandrake leaves. They would keep the leaves in their mouth for a full lunar month and follow up with the potion and transform into their spirit animal. They made it sound easy and safe. Remus disagreed. Lucky for the boys, the next full moon was in two days and they could start their month-long process sooner than expected. Just as these matters were settled, Lily walked by their compartment. Remus and she were still not on talking terms. Remus refused to turn her back on the friends that had been her biggest support while Lily continued to turn a blind-eye towards Snape and his dangerous curses. James ran out chasing after Lily while Peter ran off to chase the trolley witch, leaving Remus and Sirius alone.  
The two had been acting friendly in the presence of others. Alone, things were awkward at best. Deciding to turn to her favourite hobby (eating chocolate), Remus turned toward the window as she nibbled on her big white chocolate bar from Honeydukes. “You look like a rabbit nibbling on carrots.” It felt good to hear him tease her. “There is nothing wrong with being like a rabbit. They are cute, fuzzy and loved by everyone.” She broke off a piece and threw it towards him. She saw him flinch in pain as he caught it. Rushing to get up and help him, she mumbled in self-disgust, “You should have told me. I could have healed some of it. There are some advantages of becoming a bloodthirsty beast every full moon, you learn to heal well." He moved his face so close to her that she could feel his breath as he said in an impossibly low voice," I wish I could do something about this impossibly low opinion you have of yourself. You are so good, so beautiful and so intelligent." He kissed her hands and moved closer as if he could sit any closer.  
At that moment, the compartment door shook open. Remus had flung herself away from Sirius. At the door stood her boyfriend. As he said his hellos to Sirius, he pulled her up from where she was sitting to kiss her deeply. She heard some hard footsteps retreat. She did not need to turn around to know that it was Sirius.

*****

The boys slept very late that night as Sirius had launched a one-sided conversation about how Gideon Prewett was not good for Remus Lupin. He was so lost in rant, he did not notice James and Peter make a bet about when Sirius would get together with Remus.  
Remus slept very late that night because of the guilt she felt. It was becoming harder to ignore her feelings for Sirius. She was still trying to believe that her feelings for Gideon were more.

*****

Every first lesson started with the same speech. All teachers wanted students to get serious. That particular phrasing left Sirius and James cackling every time.   
“I am so serious,” laughed Sirius after a particularly strict lecture from McGonagall.   
The four had been friends for four years. There had been awkward times such as after her and Sirius’ kiss the previous year. It had never been filled with so much tension. Sirius spoke with a certain iciness in his voice but only with Remus. There was a lot of tension between them. Remus, not wanting to admit the true reason for the situation, just played along. 

*****

Her first full moon of the year came. The next morning, she had a scratch down her abdomen. Gideon questioned her about her whereabouts. Remus liked him but did not trust him enough with her secret. She knew she was a monster and didn’t need it confirmed when Gideon would run in the opposite direction on finding out the truth.   
The boys had begun their month-long mandrake-leaf-in-mouth step for their transformation. It was a quiet month. Teachers were astounded by the good behaviour from the Marauders. No pranks, no hexed Slytherins and no Snape torture. A calm month that frayed her nerves. She was freaking out. Professor Dumbledore had trusted her with being a good student and here she was, leading three students to their possible death in a process that was dangerous and very, very illegal.  
Alas! The month went by too fast for Remus. The second full moon of the year came. In the abandoned Girls Washroom with Moaning Myrtle for company, they drank the requisite amount of potion. It was to be drunk the morning of the transformation. Remus would have Changed when they would attempt to turn. She would find out the next morning.

*****

The wolf smelled a different odour. The smell was so distinct that it had stopped scratching itself. Turning its beady eyes towards the source, it saw a large animal with spots on its body and antler, a black creature and a small being.


	7. Year Five (Part 2)

The wolf did not know what to think. Its mind screamed, “My pack!!!! My pack!!!!” And so it just went along.

*****

It had been a different full moon. That was the first thought in Remus’s head as she woke up. She immediately looked at her body. It did not have many scratched and the ones that were there were shallow. She didn’t have time to think beyond that as her best friends rushed into the Hospital Wing. It was a monthly tradition. They would always come to her. Madam Pomfrey knew better than to stop them. James spoke up first. "That was a success." Remus burst into tears. She felt strong arms wrap themselves around her waist. She burrowed her face in his neck. She did not look up as her other two friends retreated. They knew to give her space. "I can't believe you did it. God! I can't believe I let you do it. What if something bad had happened? You would have become a monster like me." Echoing his words from earlier that year, Sirius looked into Remus's eyes as he said," I wish you could see how beautiful you are."  
He pressed his lips to her hands.  
“ Your hands fit so beautifully in mine. “  
He kissed her hair.  
“ Your hair shines so beautifully in the sun. It looks like waves of different colours.”  
He kissed her forehead and wiped away her tears.  
“ There is a beautiful sea witching your eyes. Endless waters that give so much peace.”  
He kissed her nose.  
“ The way your nose scrunches up when you look at me when you’re angry is beautiful. “  
He looked at her lips.  
“Since that time last year, You have no idea how hard it had been to resist your lips."  
And he kissed her lips.

*****

It had been a relatively short kiss. Madam Pomfrey has seen them and had kicked Sirius out of the room. All the while she ranted about hormonal teenagers. When Remus was finally cleared to go back to class, she spent the entire time thinking about what she would do. After hours of deliberating the pros and cons of each decision, she concluded. She would break up with Gideon. She had to. Kissing Gideon gave her butterflies in her stomach. Kissing Sirius was like fireworks. She knew that he was a player who snogged girls with no attachment. But with Sirius, everything seemed to fit. He was different around her. 

*****

Gideon took it well. He had seen it coming. Remus and he were still going to be friends. They were young and had enjoyed being with each other. It was nothing but good memories.

*****

The Astronomy Tower had always been Sirius’s place. None of them disturbed him there. But that day, Remus knew it was the perfect place. The Gryffindor courage in her ran strong as she made her way up the stairs. They seemed endless. It was increasing her nerves. What if he rejected her and thought her only goo for a snog? What if he had just been joking? What if it destroyed their friendship? That thought made her pause. She didn’t want to risk their friendship. She thought the Marauders with the existing balance too good to mess up. Panicking, Remus started to retreat. Just then she heard that voice again. Sirius.  
“What are you doing here?”  
“Oh. ... nothing. I was just..um... passing by.”  
She could hear the laughter in his voice as he said, “ and where is your final destination?”  
“The dungeons!?” Remus squeaked our that answer without thinking and proceeded to mentally slap herself.  
“The dungeonsssss. Realllly. I thought you had a good sense of direction, Moony. "  
“Moony?”  
“Nickname.” As he said that he made his way down the stairs. Her heart was doing jumping jacks."Do you want to tell me what you're doing here?"  
“Well. Not really.”"So nothing to do with your surprising break up with that red-haired guy. "  
“ He is not a git. You are. “  
“ Then how come you’re here?”  
Taking a deep breath in, Remus moved closer. “ Maybe I like gits. Some have good hair.” His hands moved to her waist and he pulled her close, so close that their lips were just a few inches apart."Well, maybe this git...." Sirius wasn't able to finish the sentence as Remus closed the gap between them. One of his hands cupped her cheek as she moved to rest hers on his shoulders. She didn't know how they managed to make their way to the up against. She only felt him push her against the wall. He kissed across her jaw, down her neck till he reached a spot on her neck that made Remus moan. They were as incandescent as the twinkling stars.  
That night Remus and Sirius both fell asleep in their respective dormitories thinking about each other, smiling to themselves.

*****

They had told James and Peter about the shift in their relationship hesitantly, hoping for a positive reaction. What happened bewildered Remus as Sirius laughed out?James shrieked and turned towards Peter, holding out his hands. Peter groaned and handed over five galleons as he said," You couldn't have waited till the sixth year. I was convinced Remus would worry too much too actually go out with him."They had placed bets last year. Sirius talking about her too often, being too jealous of Gideon and snogging girls left and right were 'signs' of his crush. Sirius just pouted and refuted their claims.

*****

Hogwarts students were shocked that plain Jane Remus had bagged Sirius Black. Girls, in a direct attack on the principles of feminism, would through her dirty looks and pass mean comments. But none of that mattered when Sirius held her hand and squeezed it. It did not matter when she snuggled with him in the common room and dorm. It definitely did not matter when he kissed her. He asked after her. He was so attentive. She consoled him when he bared his feelings about being a bad brother to Regulus and his awful parents. They simply worked together better than they did alone. They weren’t in love yet. Remus firmly believed that teenagers did not fall that deeply in love but a small irrational part of her brain hoped that they would.

*****

Christmas had been one of the best of her life. She had gone home to spend it with her father. Somehow, they had found a way to celebrate without Hope, a new tradition that Hope would have loved. She would have hated it if her family had moped around on Christmas.  
Lyall has been surprised to find out about Sirius. He had liked Sirius when he had helped around at the funeral. He wasn’t so sure of him as his daughter's boyfriend. With his long hair and leather jacket-wearing tendencies, Sirius raised a few warning bells. It had been fine as long as they were friends but to be more was in typical overprotective father fashion, extremely worrisome. The one thing he remembered Sirius saying was about his dream of buying a motorcycle. Lyall did not have positive thoughts about his daughter's relationship. 

*****

The war had come to a standstill. There had been no attacks since the summer before the fifth year. It seemed that he-who-must-not-be-named had stopped his public attacks. Death Eater activity had gone down. Lesser dead people appeared in the Daily Prophet. The war wasn't coming to an end. No, it was the calm before the storm and oh, what a big storm came.

*****  
103 fatalities with so many more injured. All muggles. The muggle authorities could not figure out what had caused the building to collapse. The wizards, on investigating, found out about the tampering done by wizards through an employee. When the employee was tracked down, he was found dead with the dark mark above his house. You-know-who and his death eaters had been behind the attack in central London. Many Slytherins silently rejoiced while the school mourned. Remus had cried in her boyfriend's arm for many hours. So many people with so many dreams, all dead. Young people, the new generation was dying as old people played a game. It seemed unfair, a harsh reality. She worried about her loved ones. She didn't know if she would survive any of their’s deaths.  
Time went by as the war raged on with a new ferocity. Her father had had to place extensive charms on their house. He was thinking of going into hiding with Remus. Remus was a big target as she was a werewolf. According to rumours, many werewolves had joined the dark side. As a result, the Ministry had become cautious of werewolves. It was the same for all creatures of part creatures such as giants, centaurs, merpeople, etc.

*****

Fifth-year went ahead fast as the students lost themselves in studies. The Marauders had stopped all pranks in what seemed to be an attempt to study. Unbeknownst to all, the new animation and their werewolf best friend were working on the ultimate map of Hogwarts. While nicknames had been an idea of Sirius, the map belonged to Peter. He was the worst of the group at sneaking out and came up with the idea to help him escape teachers, prefects and Filch. None of them were prefects. Their history of misbehaving had worked against them in that area.  
The nicknames were ridiculous but Remus loved them. She loved it when they called her Moony. Peter was Wormtail, James was Prongs while Sirius was Padfoot. It brought them closer if that was even possible. It made Peter more secure as well. He had been behaving weird for a while. He had been worried as Remus and Sirius were dating while everyone knew that James and Sirius were basically brothers. It had reassured him of his importance. He mattered to them.

*****

The transformations were easier since the wolf had found a pack. They would roam all over the grounds and through the forest. When there were possible accidents, they would laugh later in an attempt to ease the scare. Remus worries that she would pass her curse to them but the easier transformations made life better. For the nights they spent with the wolf, the boys would lose points for Gryffindor as they would fall asleep in class. It had become a ritual after every full moon. Another ritual was Sirius and his chocolate. He would visit Remus in the Hospital Wing, give her chocolate (the biggest bar) and then proceed to kiss her hair her nose and her lips till he was kicked out. He would peck her nose so many times that it had become their favoured form of affection in public. They would ignore James with his puking sounds.

*****

Sirius was great a snogging. He was proving that in his dormitory one Sunday afternoon. His was leaving a small trail of kisses across her neck and under her ears. Her hands were in his hair as his roamed the plane of her body. He traced her lower lip with his tongue, asking for entry. Remus, being playful, was refusing when he suddenly began tickling her. The ensuing laugh caused her to open her mouth. His tongue was devouring hers as the two were lost in each other. Suddenly, the door opened and was followed by a shriek. It was James. Remus and Sirius scrambled apart. They were both breathing heavy. “ I did not need to see that. Can’t you two find another place. This is my dorm as well.” He was flailing his hands about as Remus and Sirius turned as red as tomatoes. They had thought James would take time to map out the last secret Hogsmeade passage.  
Without any care for what had been going on, Peter walked in with fire whiskey in his hands. The map was complete. They had worked hard on the map, researching so much and performing complex magic. It was all worth it as she tapped the map with her wand and said,” I solemnly swear that I am up to no good. “ Words appeared across the parchment. It showed all of Hogwarts, where the rooms and corridors were, where everyone was, secret passages and so much more. At the top, it said," Miss Moony with Messrs Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs proudly present the Marauders Map.” Remus felt proud when she tapped the parchment again to say ‘Mischief Managed’ and to see the marks disappear.

*****

“It’s vomit-inducing. You too are sooooo chummy-chummy. “ Dorcas commented during one of her and Remus’ study sessions.  
“ You did not just say chummy-chummy,” laughed Remus as Dorcas stuck out her tongue. At first, it had been as if Dorcas was a replacement for Lily but that did not hold anymore. Dorcas was her own person, a snarky person with a i-don’t-care attitude. Remus and he had gotten so close over the year but sometimes she still missed Lily. Lily was a steadfast person who didn’t crack under pressure. She was obstinate yet kind. It felt as if their fight had gone on too long but Remus had too much pride to apologise when she knew she wasn’t the only wrong person. Sure, the boys were arrogant fools sometimes who were mean to Slytherins but they had more good in them as well. Severus Snape was just bad news. He hung out with Avery and his gang, all future death eaters (an open secret in school). Lily had no right to judge her for being blind to her friends’ faults when she had a blind eye when it came to Snape. They did not even greet each other. Remus had not congratulated her on becoming prefect. Lily had not said anything about her and Sirius. Even James had toned down on his flirting with Lily due to the tension between her and Remus. Remus had always believed that women should support one another and be each other’s strengths and not pick out each other’s weaknesses. It felt awful to be in a situation the direct opposite of what she believed to be her principles.

*****

With May came the OWLs. The Fifth years were under immense stress as everyone crammed as much information as they could. Even James and Sirius deigned to pick up a book. It had required some persuasion but Sirius was easy to convince when Remus promised him kisses. Remus and Dorcas spent hours on end in the library. Remus was determined to do her best to show to the world that even a werewolf could do magic properly. She had to do the best so that she couldn’t be doubted. She had to prove that she deserved the chance Dumbledore’s gave her. She felt as if she had betrayed his trust when she let her friends break the laws and become illegal animagus.

*****

The exams were spread over two weeks. The last day had the DADA exam in the morning with Transfiguration in the afternoon.  
“Did you like question ten, Moony?” asked Sirius as they emerged into the entrance hall.  
“Loved it,” said Lupin briskly. “‘Give five signs that identify the werewolf.’ Excellent question.”  
“D’you think you managed to get all the signs?” said James in tones of mock concern.  
“Think I did,” replied Remus seriously, as they joined the crowd thronging around the front doors eager to get out into the sunlit grounds. “One: She’s sitting on my chair. Two: She’s wearing my clothes. Three: Her name’s Remus Lupin... .'"  
Wormtail was the only one who didn’t laugh.  
“I got the snout shape, the pupils of the eyes, and the tufted tail,” he said anxiously, “but I couldn’t think what else —”  
“How thick are you, Wormtail?" said James impatiently. "You run around with a werewolf once a month —"  
“Keep your voice down,” implored Remus as Sirius put his arm around her waist and brought her closer. They made their way towards the lawn in front of the lake.  
“Well, I thought that paper was a piece of cake,” Sirius claimed. “I’ll be surprised if I don’t get Outstanding on it at least.”  
“Me too,” said James. He put his hand in his pocket and took out a struggling Golden Snitch.  
“Where’d you get that?”  
“Nicked it,” said James casually. He started playing with the Snitch, allowing it to fly as much as a foot away and seizing it again; his reflexes were excellent. Wormtail watched him in awe. They stopped under the shade of the beech tree and settled there. Remus day between Sirius’s legs and opened her book to study for the next exam. Sirius sat behind her playing with her hair. He would occasionally kiss her neck in an attempt to divert her attention but Remus was having none of it. She had to focus.  
James continued to play with the Snitch, letting it zoom farther and farther away, almost escaping but always grabbed at the last second. Wormtail was watching him with his mouth open. Every time James made a particularly difficult catch, Wormtail gasped and applauded. Remus had the urge to tell him to get a grip on himself but James rebelled in the attention. He also seemed to be sneaking glances towards Lily and her gaggle of girls.  
“Put that away, will you?” said Sirius finally, as James made a fine catch and Wormtail let out a cheer. “Before Wormtail wets himself from excitement.”  
Wormtail turned slightly pink but James grinned."If it bothers you," he said, stuffing the Snitch back in his pocket."I'm bored," said Sirius. "Wish it was a full moon." "You might," said Remus darkly from behind his book. "We've still got Transfiguration. If you’re bored you could test me . . . Here.” She held out her book.  
Sirius snorted and hugged her from behind. “I don’t need to look at that rubbish, I know it all.”  
“This’ll liven you up, Padfoot,” said James quietly. “Look who it is . . .”  
Sirius’s head turned. He had become very still, like a dog that has scented a rabbit.  
“Excellent,” he said softly. “Snivellus." Remus knew where this was going. She hated that nickname and she hated what they did. She did not dare to tell them to stop. It gave her a sort of satisfaction. She did not like the dirty looks Snape smart her way and his mean comments. She did not like the fact that Lily did not talk to her because of him.  
As Padfoot and Prongs stood up, Remus and Wormtail remained sitting. She turned her attention towards the book with a frown on her face, intent to ignore the scene before her. Wormtail looked up in anticipation. Snape seemed to have risen up from where he was sitting.  
“All right, Snivellus?” said James loudly.  
Snape reacted so fast it was as though he had been expecting an attack: Dropping his bag, he plunged his hand inside his robes, and his wand was halfway into the air when James shouted, “Expelliarmus!”  
Snape’s wand flew twelve feet into the air and fell with a little thud in the grass behind him. Sirius let out a bark of laughter.  
“Impedimenta!” he said, pointing his wand at Snape, who was knocked off his feet, halfway through a dive toward his own fallen wand.  
Students all around had turned to watch. Some of them had gotten to  
their feet and were edging nearer to watch. Some looked apprehensive, others entertained.  
Snape lay panting on the ground. James and Sirius advanced on him, wands up, James glancing over his shoulder at Lily. Remus continued to stare at her book.  
“How’d the exam go, Snivelly?” said James. “I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment,” said Sirius viciously. “There’ll be great grease marks all over it, they won’t be able to read a word.”  
Several people watching laughed; Snape was unpopular. Wormtail sniggered shrilly. Snape was trying to get up, but the jinx was still operating on him; he was struggling, as though bound by invisible ropes.  
“You — wait,” he panted, staring up at James with an expression of purest loathing. “You — wait . . .”  
“Wait for what?” said Sirius coolly. “What’re you going to do, Snivelly, wipe your nose on us?”  
Snape let out a stream of mixed swearwords and hexes, but his wand being ten feet away nothing happened.  
“Wash out your mouth,” said James coldly. “Scourgify!”  
Pink soap bubbles streamed from Snape’s mouth at once; the froth was covering his lips, making him gag, choking him —  
“Leave him ALONE!”  
James and Sirius looked around. Remus knew who’s voice that was. James’s free hand jumped to his hair.  
“All right, Evans?” said James, and the tone of his voice was suddenly pleasant, deeper, more mature. He was going to ask her out again. He had greatly decreased his need to express his love for her that year but he seemed to be losing his control. “Leave him alone,” Lily repeated. She was looking at James with every sign of great dislike. Remus could hear the disgust in her voice. “What’s he done to you?”  
“Well,” said James, appearing to deliberate the point, “it’s more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean . . .”  
Many of the surrounding watchers laughed, Sirius and Wormtail included, but Remus, still apparently intent on her book, didn’t, and neither did Lily.  
“You think you’re funny,” she said coldly. “But you’re just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him alone.”  
“I will if you go out with me, Evans,” said James quickly. “Go on . . . Go out with me, and I’ll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again.”  
Behind him, the Impediment Jinx was wearing off. Snape was beginning to inch toward his fallen wand, spitting out soapsuds as he crawled.  
“I wouldn’t go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid,” said Lily.  
“Bad luck, Prongs,” said Sirius briskly, turning back to Snape. “OY!”  
But too late; Snape had directed his wand straight at James; there was a flash of light and a gash appeared on the side of James's face, spattering his robes with blood. James whirled about; the second flash of light later, Snape was hanging upside down in the air, his robes falling over his head to reveal skinny, pallid legs and a pair of greying underpants.  
Many people in the small crowd watching cheered. Padfoot, Prongs, and Wormtail roared with laughter.  
Lily, whose furious expression had twitched for an instant as though she was going to smile, said, “Let him down!”  
“Certainly,” said James and he jerked his wand upward. Snape fell into a crumpled heap on the ground. Disentangling himself from his robes, he got quickly to his feet, wand up, but Sirius said, “Petrificus Totalus!” and Snape keeled over again at once, rigid as a board."LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Lily shouted. She had her wand out now. James and Sirius eyed it warily.  
“Ah, Evans, don’t make me hex you,” said James earnestly.  
“Take the curse off him, then!”  
James sighed deeply, then turned to Snape and muttered the countercurse.  
“There you go,” he said, as Snape struggled to his feet again, “you’re lucky Evans was here, Snivellus —”  
“I don’t need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!”  
Remus looked up as her blood boiled. How dare he!  
Lily simply blinked. “Fine,” she said coolly. “I won’t bother in future. And I’d wash your pants if I were you, Snivellus.”  
“Apologize to Evans!” James roared at Snape, his wand pointed threateningly at him. Remus had never seen him that angry before, not even due to quidditch.  
“I don’t want you to make him apologize,” Lily shouted, rounding on James. “You’re as bad as he is . . .”  
“What?” yelped James. “I’d NEVER call you a — you-know-what!”  
“Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you’ve just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can — I’m surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me SICK.”  
She turned on her heel and hurried away.  
“Evans!” James shouted after her, “Hey, EVANS!”  
But she didn’t look back.  
“What is it with her?” said James, trying and failing to look as though this was a throwaway question of no real importance to him.  
“Reading between the lines, I’d say she thinks you’re a bit conceited, mate,” said Sirius.  
“Right,” said James, who looked furious now, “right —”  
There was another flash of light, and Snape was once again hanging upside down in the air.  
“Who wants to see me take off Snivelly’s pants?” Remus has had enough. She stomped away as Sirius followed her asking what wrong. Remus wanted to scream at him for the way Snape was being bullied but refrained fro found so. She would be a hypocrite. She made the active decision not to interfere and felt disgust at herself. She wanted to find Lily to console her. She had lost her best friend today but Remus did not have the guts to do so after standing on the side when everything had happened. She worried that this event would destroy their friendship even more. She reasoned that Lily had other friends. She simply kissed Sirius bye, saying she was fine and stalked away to curse herself. 

*****

The OWLs came to an end. The school year came to an end. It had been a big one, not academically and personally. She had a boyfriend she liked very much, her boyfriend and best friends had become illegal animagus to help her transformations, she and Lily were still not friends anymore and her OWLs had gone great.   
The train ride back had been normal. Sirius worried about his family while Remus fussed over him. They kicked out Peter and Hames for the last hour to snog since they most probably wouldn’t be meeting until September 1st. Teenage hormones can be very challenging.  
When they arrived at King’s Cross, Sirius gave her one last deep kiss and left. Remus said her byes to James and Peter, extracting promises to visit her from both of them. She rushed to hug her father. With a let secret wave towards Sirius, Remus made her way out.  
She did not know that many things would change over the summer as James and Sirius would exchange letters of great significance.


	8. Year Six (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Year Six was a mixture of love, betrayal and a little bit of fun with the sense of impending doom. Remus Lupin wasn't having a good time.

Remus did not know what to think of the letter she received from James. She had sat on her bed expecting to read about quidditch and Lily with questions about her well-being. Instead, the letter contained another handwriting she recognized well from his countless notes through classes (he liked to make her blush during class). Sirius had run away. He had gotten into a big fight with his family about his future and when he had made it clear that he had no interest in becoming a death eater, his mother had blown her fuse. He did not clearly state what she did but Remus had a clear idea from the time she had spent healing his bruises. Having had enough of the abuse, Sirius had stolen away in the night. He had shrunk his belongings to carry them easily in his animagus form, leaving behind his room covered in Gryffindor banners and poster along many muggle posters (permanent sticking charm of course). Remus suspected that some posters may have been of half-naked women in bikinis.   
Sirius had been invited to stay with the Potters till he could get enough money to get his own place. Remus and James had always told him that their houses were open for him to come when he decided to leave his family. She felt a little upset about him not coming to her place. She pushed this thought to the back of her head by reasoning that her father would not feel comfortable with the idea of his daughter’s boyfriend living with them.   
The letter also contained an invitation. James had invited her over to calm her concern for Sirius. He wanted to schedule it to overlap with the full moon but Remus knew better. Her father would not allow. He knew that her friends knew but he did not know that they had broken the law to become animagi. It was something he did not need to know. She was tempted. Full moons were harder alone. She woke up with severe cuts and bruises, a problem she had faced to a much lesser extent since her friends had joined her on those nights.  
Remus would spend the last week of July at the Potters with her boyfriend (and James).

*****

Remus was about to ring the bell when the door swung open.   
With a cocky grin that was becoming too common, Sirius said,” Miss me, Moonshine?” She loved it when he called her by that nickname.   
“You wish!”  
Without another word he crossed the distance and took her in his arms. The first kiss was warm and fuzzy.   
“You all right Moony?”  
“Never better.”  
The second kiss was like fire as her hands found his hair and settled on his neck while his hands went to her cheeks. They reluctantly pulled apart after hearing a shriek. “I did not need to see that. God Padfoot, at least let her come in before you start kissing like that. The neighbours did not need that show.” Remus reluctantly detangled herself from Sirius to hug the messy-haired boy. “Awww… I missed you Prongs.”   
“I missed you too Moony. What I will not miss is Padfoot mooning over you. I swear if I have to listen to his description of your hair and the hundred different colours in it, I will kill myself. I love you both but it’s too much.”  
Sirius (with a blush on his cheeks) replied,” How can you say that when we heard that poetry you wrote about Evans.” James choose to ignore that comment and took Remus inside to meet his parents.  
Mr and Mrs. Potter were great people. Remus liked them a lot. Her liking them had a lot to do with James. Despite the way he acted with Lily, he had a heart of gold with infinite love. He seemed to have inherited it from his parents. 

*****

There were more rule in place for this visit. They were teenagers now and Sirius and Remus were dating. Apparently, her father had written to the Potters about the rules for the two of them. Remus had never been more embarrassed.   
The summer consisted of quidditch, prank discussions and worry about the OWLs. The last one was mostly Remus. She and Sirius would walk around in the field near the cottage. He made an effort to ignore any talk about his family and what had happened to force him to leave. James had told her of the many bruises and cuts he had had when he arrived. His parents had wanted to take action against the Blacks but Sirius had begged them not to. He wanted to distance himself from them completely. They left him alone for that summer, as if they wanted to let him go as much as he wanted to leave them. She knew he hated the fact that he could not properly let go of his family until he came of age.

They talked a lot as they walked around but every once in a while, he would push her up against the tree and kiss her hard. There was a different feel to these sessions. They were more heated as her hands slipped under his shirt and traced his skin. He returned the favour with some discreet under the shirt action. God, his fingers would trace patterns that made her lose her sanity. Remus was loving this physical transition. 

They were having one such heated encounter. His lips were on hers as one of her legs was wrapped around his hips. Remus took his hands in hers and moved them to her back. She slid his hands up her body to the hooks. Feeling his hands there without a single barrier was electrifying. It was a pity James chose to show up when he did. Him screaming curses and asking to be obliviated put a dapper on the mood.

*****

Her visit came to an end too soon. It was her last night at the Potters for that summer. James, his father and Sirius had gone out for a boys trip as Remus stayed at home. She spent the time helping Mrs. Potter cook. As the boys returned, Sirius greeted her with his arms wrapped around her and a peck on the cheek. Remus smiled and returned to work when she noticed Mrs. Potter staring at her.  
“He really likes you, you know that? He might even love you but that something for him to realise and you to find out.” After giving her as sweet smile, she walked out of the kitchen and left Remus stunned.

*****

While Remus had not been able to visit the Potters again, Sirius and sometimes James came by the Lupin Cottage. When it was only Sirius, her father would make them sit in the living room. He even gave Sirius a lecture about treating Remus well and to keep himself in his pants. Remus did not know who was more red, her, Sirius or her father.  
It was during one of these visits Sirius opened up about what had happened with his family. Remus would never forget the way his voice broke when he talked about his mother and her cruelty towards him. It had been something he never talked about. She, James and Peter knew of the abuse he faced through observation and the behaviour of the Slytherins towards Sirius. It was atopic they had tried to approach but had only received a few jokes in return, an effort by him to undermine his pain. To hear him talk of a mother who had been good but had turned when his views differed from hers was heartbreaking. Remus couldn’t imagine the feeling that came with the realisation that your parents love for you had an unfair limit. In that conversation, she saw how Sirius found himself unworthy of love and made an unconscious promise that she would everything in her power to change that. She ignored the voice in her head that asked her how she, a monster unworthy of love, could prove to another that he was worthy of it.

*****

Remus had not expected such a good result in her OWLs. Her father had been ecstatic. Ten out of ten OWLs with four Outstanding in DADA, Potions, Astronomy and Care of Magical Creatures made her very happy. The boys had done very well with both Sirius and James getting top marks in Transfiguration. Peter had not done as well as the others but had far exceeded his own expectations. Fifth year had had a few bad moments but it had gone mostly good. Remus could only hope that Sixth Year would go great. NEWT time was arriving and they had entered a part of their education that determined their future. 

Remus was trying to be positive but there was a nagging voice at the back of her head saying that a monster had no future.

*****

The war had become stagnant for some time. There were very few random attacks on Muggles attributed to Death Eaters but the feeling of impending doom persisted. Remus could only think that this was the calm before the storm.

*****

The journey back to Hogwarts had been uneventful. James had been rejected once again by Lily. Remus had declined to be prefect and so Lily was responsible for running rounds.   
The Welcoming Feast was a somber event after the Sorting Hat sung about being united against the dark and warned all students of the war that had arrived.  
Remus tried not to think about the man behind all the evil. Werewolf attacks had increased in the past few months as reports of many werewolf packs joining the death eaters emerged. She knew the only reason she was safe was because very little people knew she was a werewolf. She was hiding away that part of her. The voice at the back of her head screamed,“ Coward!”

*****

It was NEWT year this time around. Remus had decided to take DADA, Transfiguration, Charms, Potions, Ancient Runes and Care of Magical Creatures. She had chosen knowing that she needed to prepare for a hard life. Her career counselling last year had gone as she had expected and Remus couldn’t help the negativity she felt regarding her future. The war, her lycantrophy and the fact that she only had two years left in Hogwarts, a safe haven for her, and left her with an impending sense of doom.  
Classes droned on as her year drowned in school work. The marauders were calmer, with very little pranking going on. The darkness’s had caught on to everyone.   
Yet, in between all this, Remus found some truly happy moments.  
“What do you like about me? Other than my hair or what I look like?  
They were dancing at the top of the Astronomy Tower. With Sirius, Remus needed no music to dance but Marvin Gaye made the experience so much better.  
“That’s a big question.”  
“I hope it has a good answer. We have been together for a year.”  
“There isn’t much I like about you.”  
Her heart dropped. Remus started to pull away but Sirius pulled her back in.  
“You should let me finish. There are very few things I like about you. But there are so many that I love about you. I love the way your hair sparkles in the sun. I love how your eyes are an endless sea. I love you’re the way your voice sounds, even when you sing.”   
Remus laughed out at that. She knew she sounded like a crow. She moved her arms to rest on his shoulders and her head on his chest. They were not dancing anymore but swaying.  
“I love how you never fail to get a point across. I love how you fight till everyone listens. I love how completely devour a book. I love how your nose scrunches up when you’re concentrating. I love the feeling of you kissing me. I love how you don’t see how I don’t deserve you. You don’t have to say it back, not if you aren’t ready.”  
He didn’t wait for Remus to reply as he placed a chaste kiss on her lips. Later that night, she knew she loved him, loved him as much as she could at her age. The full moon was in a few days. It would be perfect and fitting to tell him how much she loved him when she woke up the next morning. 

*****

The full moon was shinning bright but, the wolf did not see the boy. The wicked boy did see the wolf.

*****

When she woke up the next morning, Remus knew something was wrong. James was sitting next to her, not her boyfriend. He looked angry, angrier than she had ever seen him.   
Remus did not know what to think. The hatred she felt for what she was erupted. Maybe she had done something to Sirius. They had been friends for so long that James knew what she was thinking. It was common, the hatred she had for herself. She thought of every possible worse scenario but the one that James told her. She did not want to believe it. He wouldn’t. But he did.   
James was studying her expressions as she went from anxiety and worry to anger. Before he knew it, Moony had rushed out of the Hospital Wing. He got up to run behind her but her werewolf speed had gotten her away fast.  
Remus didn’t know where she was going. She just knew that she had to get away from everyone. She felt wild and crazy. She felt lost in a way. Some part of her did not know what to feel. She was frustrated. As she was lost in her emotions, she did not notice a black dog follow her.   
Walking around the castle randomly eventually landed her in the grounds. She ran to the lake. Just as she reached there, she heard a voice, a voice she did not want to hear at all.  
“I didn’t mean too. I swear! I never wanted to hurt you. I wasn’t thinking.”   
She slapped him.  
“You didn’t think about what would happen if I attacked someone on a full moon. You didn’t mean to risk the chance of me going to Azkaban. The world doesn’t have sympathy for a monster like me.”  
“Moony, it was a mistake.”  
“A mistake that would have snatched from me any chance of a future. I already hate myself Black.”   
He flinched at the venom in her words.  
“I didn’t need more help in that department. I know you hate Snape but to use me to get to him. You told him a secret I confided in you. You’re supposed to be my best friend. You’re supposed to care for me. You’re not supposed to hurt me like this.”  
“I do care about you. I didn’t want to hurt you. I love you. I have loved you for quite some time. I’m in love with you.”  
She needed to get away from Sirius. She didn’t want to hear those words. As she turned to leave, he tried to stop her.  
“Please Moony. Say Something.”  
She pushed him away. With all the venom she could muster, she screamed,” You don’t get to say that to me. You don’t know what love is if you think I’m going to believe you after the stunt you just pulled. I can’t say those words to you. Not now. Just stay away!”

*****

Snape was made to promise not to tell anyone about her ‘disease’. Dumbledore ensured that the perpetrator was dealt with appropriately. While descending the steps from Dumbledore’s office, Remus tried to apologize to Snape but he looked at her with disgust to say, “You’re a half breed Mongrel.” It hurt and hit her heart in the wrong place. She had kept herself together till now but tears were leaking from her eyes. Once again, Remus ran through the corridors of the castle. This time she arrived in front of that empty wall. 

She needed to be alone. Someone else was already there. He had been waiting for her. She had not seen him since she had slapped him. She did not want to see him. He was the one she counted on, the one who was never supposed to hurt her like he did. He knew her fears, her feelings better than anyone. How many times had Remus bared her heart to him for him to do this?  
With her back pressed against the wall, Remus sunk to the floor, her face buried in her hands as tears fell from her eyes. She was so lost in her tears, she did not realise that someone was in the same corridor as her until she saw him in front of her. It was Peter. He did not say anything as he sat down next her. He put his arms around her and let her continue crying. It was what Remus needed in that moment.

*****

Remus did not talk to Sirius at all. She would walk out of a room if he walked in. if he tried to talk to her, she would ignore him and pretend as if he wasn’t there. Even James and Peter had not forgiven Sirius. It had been a cruel thing, to almost cause the death of someone with little regard for the consequences.   
Rumours floated about the castle regarding the cause of their behaviour. Some said the Sirius had cheated on Remus. It hurt to hear what people thought but Remus was not going to clear any misunderstandings.   
Dorcas was a big support. In between tears and firewhiskey, Remus had told her about her furry little problem. She was lucky she had such good friends who stood by her despite what she was. James tried to make her laugh when he could but Remus saw how lost he was without Sirius. He immersed himself in quidditch, practising every spare moment and with the lack of Sirius, there were a lot of spare moments. He tried to cheer himself up by asking Lily out but received a rejection every time. Remus loved James and so it was hard to see the way his shoulders slumped every time Lily insulted him. He would plaster a fake smile on his face and pretend to be alright but Remus knew better. He loved Lily but his methods of expressing that love were questionable. Peter was loyal to Remus and refused to even talk to Sirius despite Remus’ protests. He provided a silent comfort that Remus loved. Yet, none of them could fill the void of Sirius.

Even though she ignored him in person, he was all that occupied her mind. To stop thinking about him, Remus drowned herself in books and studies. She did not know if she was still his girlfriend. She suspected that the decision was up to her. She thought about breaking up with him. How could she trust him ever again after what he had done? Yet, the thought of not being with him broke her. She was just sixteen but Sirius seemed to be it for her. He understood her. He loved her for all her flaws and not despite them. He was someone she trusted or had trusted before he threw it all away. Her mind was just filled with confusing thoughts. 

*****

While Remus was lost in these confusing thoughts, fall gave way to winter and Christmas arrived. The incident had happened in the second week of September. Now, Christmas was approaching. The time had passed in anger, sadness and NEWT classes. Peter, James and Remus distracted themselves by studying hard, a first for James. They were still not on speaking terms with Sirius. His and Remus’ relationship was in a limbo with Remus not knowing what to do and Sirius simply waiting for her to decide. He tried to fix everything for the first two months but on receiving no good feedback, had given up. They rarely saw him now. They had no idea where he went. They would not admit it to one another but they were worried for Sirius. She had heard he was going to is family for Christmas. She wanted to convince James and Peter to talk to Sirius again and to not destroy their friendship. She wanted to stop Sirius from going back to his family, wanted to ask him why he would do so after he had already left them behind in the summer. The bitterness inside her heart stopped her. In those moments, Remus couldn’t help but wonder if she was a good person. The voice at the back of her head screamed, “No!”

*****

For Christmas, Remus was home with her father. Remus did not dare to tell her father about the situation with Sirius. She tried to behave as if all was normal but burst into tears the second her father asked about Sirius. In those moments of despairs, Remus realized two things. One, she needed to sort things out with Sirius in a way that gave her mind peace. Second, her father was clueless when it came to consoling his teenage daughter.  
Christmas Day arrived in all its glory. Last Christmas had been the first without their mother and her father was intent on a good celebration, one better than the previous one. For his sake, Remus put aside her sadness and embraced the holiday spirit. Opening gifts with her father while sipping on coffee gave her a warm feeling a made her happy in a way she had not been for a few months. She could not describe the feeling she got when she received her father’s gift. Her mother had loved her silver charm bracelet and it was something Remus knew she would cherish. James had gifted her a beautiful quill with black and red feathers. Peter had given her a gift he knew she would appreciate, chocolates. She had also received a gift from Sirius, a gift she put off opening till Christmas evening.   
Remus sat on her bed staring at the gift. It was a square box covered in a red wrapping paper with black dogs on it. There had been no letter but she could imagine that it would have some joke about her favourite colour and person being on the wrapping paper. Years of friendship and almost a year of dating had made Padfoot’s jokes predictable.  
She slowly unwrapped the box and opened it, wondering why he sent her a gift and remembering that she had not sent a gift to him. It was a music box. It had the top of a phonograph and a small red box with a gold coloured winding on the side. The song that on first had her in tears. It had been a favourite of both of theirs, having spent nights at the top of the Astronomy Tower dancing to it. Remus couldn’t help put sway to the tune and sing the words.  
Listen baby, ain't no mountain highAin't no valley low, ain't no river wide enough babyIf you need me call me no matter where you areNo matter how far don't worry babyJust call my name I'll be there in a hurryYou don't have to worry  
She was so lost in the music that she did not hear her father come of the stairs. He had to knock a few times to bring Remus out of her funk. She opened the door to see that it wasn’t her father but had been James. The look on his face had her worried but it was the following words that left her feeling so many feelings.  
“It’s S-S-Sirius. he just showed up at our place. He-he had this cut across his forehead and bruises and he needs us-s.”   
He didn’t need to say anything more as Remus rushed downstairs. Marauders stuck together, even if they were in a fight. James had already explained everything to her father and so they took the floo network to the Potter’s home.  
As she stepped into the Potter’s living, Remus noticed that no one was there. Without a word, James pulled her by her arm to the guest room.   
The sight before Remus made her gasp. Sirius was lying on the bed, unconscious, with his shirt off as Euphemia Potter tended to his bruises and cuts with help from her husband. Remus barely managed to utter a few words of greeting to James’ parents before she moved to sit on Sirius’ other side.   
As Mrs Potter worked on his injuries, Remus and James could only sit by and watch. In between all this, Sirius woke up. Remus wanted to burst into tears when she saw the panicked look in his eyes at the unfamiliar surroundings. In an effort to defend himself, he began to move his arms when Remus took one of his hands in her and spoke to him in a low soothing voice.  
“It’s alright. You’re safe.”   
His grey eyes met hers. They had a glassy look to them, an empty look that made her move his hand to her lips to kiss it and provide some comfort because despite all that he had done, she deeply cared for him.

*****

Sirius stayed awake long enough to eat food before falling into a deep sleep due to the potions he had been fed for healing. Mrs Potter left James and Remus with him. The two did not talk. She knew that guilt racked both of them. They did not know why he had gone back to his family home. It was the sort of recklessness that had become more prominent that year. Remus had been so lost in everything that she had not seen that Sirius had been hurting. He had been hurting because of his family and their lack of regard for him. Maybe it was wrong to try and justify his mistake but her thoughts were muddled and she felt so tired of everything. In the confusion of her thoughts, Remus fell into a deep sleep.  
When Remus woke up, sunlight was filtering through the blinds. She looked up to see grey eyes muddled with sleep. James was nowhere to be seen.  
“I’m surprised you’re still here,” he asked, a small smile on his face.  
“You’re my friend. You’ve been through a lot and I wanted to be there for you. Why you went back to them is beyond me.”  
His smile disappeared as soon as the word ‘friend’ was said.  
He let go of her hand and moved to sit up. He looked away from her. The voice that came from him sounded broken, so broken that Remus almost changed her mind. Alas! The rational part of her was strong and so, she persisted.  
“Friend?” His voice was so small.  
“You need to focus on the fact that you got hurt. I thought you left them for good. You said that you were burnt off the family tree. Do you have a death wish?”  
He turned towards her. He had this look in his eyes, one that sent shivers down her spine. He proceeded to ignore her question and continued to focus on the one word that made her heart sink.  
“A friend? Is that what I am? I know I messed up but I love you and I want to be with you. It was wrong of me, I know and I’ve been paying for it ever since. Don’t forgive me yet but don’t call me just your friend. I couldn’t bear it. I’m sorry Moonshine.”  
His hands were cupping her cheeks as his voice broke on the last word. Remus knew there were tears in her eyes but she remained strong, she had to. It was the right thing to do.  
She removed his hands from cheeks as she spoke the words that broke her heart.   
“It’s for the best. I forgive you but I can’t forget. That night cemented in my mind a fact that I have been running away from for as long as I have been what I am. I’m a monster, I always will be and I can’t run away from that. A slip on my part endangers so many lives and that night proved how dangerous I am. I know you three won’t stop joining me on full moons and I can live with that.”  
“But…”  
“No, let me finish.” She knew there were tears running down her cheeks and that her voice wasn’t clear as she spoke a lie that made her heart ache.  
“I care about you Padfoot. Its for the best if I let you go before its too hard for me. You deserve someone whole and someone prettier, someone you isn’t a beast. You deserve someone who would have seen what you felt after leaving those people, those awful people who did this.”  
“But I want YOU! And you did help me.” He had tears in his eyes. Remus hadn’t seen him cry before. Remus didn’t think she could bear it anymore. So, she got up and made to leave when she felt him grip her wrist.  
“Please don’t do this, Moony. I love you.”   
She forced her wrist from her grip and without turning around, walked away. In the hallway, she bumped into James.  
James had always been hopeless with comforting people. He looked terrified seeing her cry and his eyes seemed to be searching her face for an explanation.   
Her voice was cracking, “You should go and be with him. He was upset. I’ll be fine. I should go home now.”  
Remus gave him a hug. James gave her a kiss on the forehead and hugged her back. In that hug, she found comfort that she so desperately needed but did not deserve.  
“Give your parents thanks from me. Give him hell for going back to that place. Try and find out why.”  
Remus did not stop walking until she reached the fire place. As she stumbled into her home, she saw her father sitting on the couch. It was when he looked at her that the dam finally broke. Through her sobbing, she explained what she had done. Her father just held on to her and rubbed her back as Remus cried away. Only one thought went through her head as she cried, three words that she wished she could say to him.

*****

The rest of the holidays were a blur as Remus wallowed in her room while preparing to face her friends. She had ignored all letters from Dorcas, James and Peter. Sirius had sent none. Occasionally, she would open the music box and dance along. That stopped when she saw herself dancing in the mirror. It was that sight of her bird’s nest hair and red, puff eyes with tear stained cheeks that brought her back to reality. Remus Lupin was a strong woman and she would not cry anymore.

*****

She kept to her decision of not crying. Her resolve almost broke when she saw Sirius and James on the Platform. She had to clench her fists when Sirius walked away when he saw her. Her father’s encouraging words of how everything was going to be alright gave her enough courage to approach her friends.Taking a deep breath, Remus walked up to James with a forced smile on her face. It was clear that James was not fooled.   
“I think you broke Padfoot.”  
“He’ll be fine.”  
“Apparently, he loves you. He wanted to feel your pain and made a very misguided decision to return to is family.”   
“Thats the stupidest thing I have ever heard. He shouldn’t have put himself in that position. Also, we’re young. Love is fleeting at our age.”  
James Potter could be daft but in that moment, he knew not to push. Instead, he engulfed her in a hug. 

*****

It was the most awkward train ride possible. Sirius steadily refused to look at her. James kept looking between the Remus and Sirius while Peter looked at his shoes. He had been informed of the events that had occurred during the winter break and had silently agreed to let Sirius back into the group. After two hours of unbearable silence, Remus realised that she had had enough. Clearing her throat, she addressed Sirius.  
“Its only going to be as awkward as we make it. Why don’t we just pretend as if the whole incident never happened? We’re still friends.”  
He continued to look out of the window. His jaw was locked and his fist clenched. Remus could see the bags under his eyes.  
“Come on Sirius. You don’t get to be angry.”  
It was the wrong choice of words. Remus knew that from the way his hands started shaking.   
“Can’t you try for me? I mean, we have been friends for so long. I’d hate to lose you that way.”  
“Prongs, Wormtail, could you give us some time alone,” said Sirius with a heavy voice.  
The two rushed out of the compartment, escaping the stifling awkwardness.   
It was then he turned to look at her. His face had a blank expression. Remus did not see the next question coming.  
“Did you get my gift?”  
“Yes, it was beautiful. A person can never go wrong with Marvin Gaye. Your musical tastes have improved. It was a great song. I’m sorry for not sending you a gift. I bought it but I burnt it.”  
That got a chuckle. “Burnt it? Harsh, Moonshine.”  
His nickname sent a warm feeing. She quashed it. “You shouldn’t call me that.”  
He averted his eyes at that statement. Silent moments passed as he burnt a hole into the floor with his constant gaze. Remus could only stare at him and wait for him to continue.  
Finally, he cleared his throat. With a melancholic voice, he said,”Its going to be tough. I love you. I’m in love with you. It happened over time. There was just this one moment in fourth year when I was sitting with you in the common room. You were reading a book while I was dozing. You started laughing at something in the book. I don’t know why it was that moment. I’d seen you laughing before but that one time just caught me off guard and it hit me. You were with Prewett and it hurt seeing you kiss him. I finally understood what James constantly yaps about Evans. All the songs made sense. ”  
“Why would you say all this?”  
He looked into her eyes. His beautiful grey eyes were red.   
“I just wanted to get it all out there.”  
“Why? To change my mind? Thats not happening. You’re smart. You should know better than to be with me.”  
“If I’m so smart then trust me. I don’t know what I was thinking when I told Snape about the entrance. He was rambling on and on about your furry little problem, confronting me, calling you names. I just wanted him to stop. But you said that you forgave me. Why can’t we be together then?”  
“You’ll be better off.”  
“No, I won’t. You don’t know how I’ll be. There’s a war going on. There is so little hope in this world. Who knows what’s going to happen to this world? What I do know is that I love you and that I want to be with you because you make me so happy.”  
“No.” Remus said that one word with conviction.  
After one last long look, Sirius replied, “As you wish.”  
Prongs and Wormtail did not return. It was just him and her, sitting in silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That took a long time to write. I wrote so many different drafts of this because I decided that I wanted them to break up and come together as friends. So, it's been divided into two parts. The first part is the breakdown of their relationship. I would love some reviews just to know that its some semblance of good writing. Someday, if I ever finish this, I'll edit it. For now, this is unedited.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it. Comment below for questions or anything of that sort. I’ll be updating within a day. Excuse my grammar. This isn’t edited.


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